Thoughts and Feelings
by JestersGal
Summary: a collection of Janeway TF about her life in the DQ! Pls RR!
1. 8th yrs TF'S

Thoughts and Feelings  
  
Rating: G  
  
Summary: Janeway's Thoughts and Feelings on the new man in her life, her crew and losing someone very close to her. This is their 8th year on Voyager, Endgame never happened.  
  
Setting: Night-time, Janeway is awake in bed, someone is lying next to her.  
  
0342. That's what my clock said. That's the time when he left my life forever. Three years ago today, and every year I wake up about this time.  
  
I know I should be over it but I'm not. Yes, I've got married, had a child, but does that mean I've moved on. How do I even know when I've moved on? When I've forgotten about him? When I've stopped waking up during the night half screaming his name because of some silly little nightmare? Or when the feeling wanting to be held in his arms dies? Dies to never return just like him.  
  
I will never get over his death. Hell, I'm still trying to come to terms that my father will never see his granddaughter and he died what.20 odd years ago.  
  
I sigh and turn to face my husband. Tom Paris. Out of all the men who would of thought it would be Thomas Eugene Paris. I think I even shocked myself when I started going out with him. But he was there for me more than any one else after he died, and I had no one. Well, you know what I mean, not literally no one, but know I could talk to on a personal level. With him gone then Tuvok a few weeks later, I felt alone and Tom knew that.  
  
Every one was expecting me to go out with him, but he was gone too soon. Gone before I could tell him how much I loved him, how much I've always loved him.  
  
Then I start thinking of mine and Tom's wedding day. How I thought something was missing. But in the end I made the right choice: I found someone to settle down with and I was no longer alone. I often think off what it would be like if he were still alive. Would I be cold to him, denying my feelings and keeping us at a friendship level like I had done all these years? Or would I give into my feelings for him become his wife and the mother of his child.  
  
I guess I'll never know.  
  
The day had gone according to plan, until B'Elanna Torres called me 'a man eater' then started throwing punches at me. She ended up with a black eye at the end of the day, but then what was I supposed to do? Stand there and take the beating?  
  
B'Elanna still hasn't told me why she called me a man-eater. Maybe she was going out with Tom but he dumped her. Maybe she had feelings for him.  
  
Maybe I have turned into a man-eater. Maybe this is what 8 years in the Delta Quadrant does to a woman, makes her really desperate for a man she goes around stealing over peoples.  
  
If he were still alive, I wouldn't be a man-eater; I would have him.  
  
A year after his death, Tom and I had a little girl. Ruth Paris. Only two, but very clever. What if he was her father and not Tom? Would she be how she is now? Would she even be alive?  
  
I never thought I would have children, I always thought I was too old. I always thought they would be his and not Tom's.  
  
But Tom showed me that I wasn't too old to do anything I wanted. But the one thing I want I can't do, not because I'm too old, because I can't change time. If I could I wouldn't, not because of Starfleet, but its life and I have to deal with it.  
  
With or without Chakotay.  
  
(Baby starts to cry)  
  
I had better go feed Ruth. 


	2. Equinox TF's

Thoughts And Feelings  
  
Rating: G  
  
Summary: KJ's T+F on what happened between her and Chakotay during the events of Equinox. Words belong 2 Elton John nt me!! Pls R+R  
  
Setting: KJ's lying in bed having trouble sleeping. Set a few days after Equinox. Janeway's pov.  
  
I still haven't told him. But then how can I, I'm not one to admit when I've been in the wrong. I wrecked our friendship, everything that we spent six years trying to build.  
  
From Starfleet Captain and Maquis Captain to Captain, Commander the best off friends. How could I of let my stupideness blind me from seeing that he was only trying to help me? Yes we've had our fair share of arguments, take Riley for example, he wanted to help, and I wouldn't let him. I know it didn't put a big wedge between us, but it was still my fault.  
  
Our arguments never this serious before. I droved that wedge between us. Me alone. His best friend, breaking us up. How do I tell him I'm sorry, I cant? Sounds silly, but its hard. But I will tell him; I have to save us. Captain, Commander. Kathryn, Chakotay. Friends to the end.  
  
What I got to do to make you love me  
  
What I got to do to make you care  
  
What do I do when lightning strikes me  
  
And I wake to find that you're not there  
  
What I got to do to make you want me  
  
What I got to do to be heard  
  
What do I say when its all over  
  
Sorry seems to be the hardest word  
  
(Chorus)  
  
Its sad, so sad it's a sad, sad situation  
  
And it's getting more and more absurd  
  
It's sad, so sad why can't we talk it over  
  
Oh, it seems to me  
  
That sorry seems to be the hardest word  
  
What do I do to make you want me  
  
What I got to do to be heard  
  
What do I say when its all over  
  
Sorry seems to be the hardest word  
  
(Chorus)  
  
Its sad, so sad it's a sad, sad situation  
  
And it's getting more and more absurd  
  
It's sad, so sad why can't we talk it over  
  
Oh, it seems to me  
  
That sorry seems to be the hardest word  
  
What do I do to make you love me  
  
What I got to do to be heard  
  
What do I do when lightning strikes me  
  
What have I got to do  
  
What have I got to do  
  
Sorry seems to be the hardest word. 


	3. Endgame TF's

Thoughts And Feelings  
  
Rating: G Summary: Janeway's T+F's on what her older self told her. Does contain spoilers for 'Endgame.' Setting: During 'Endgame.'  
  
I can't believe she said that. Out of all the things she could have told me about the future it had to be that. He's going to be someone else's husband. Seven of Nine's husband. I lost him, I had a chance and I missed it because I was blinded by my wanting to get back to Voyager, get back to the crew. He told me how he felt and I carried on denying my feelings, which hurt him. And now he's with Seven. I should have known, they have been looking, acting, differently to each other. Maybe I was imaging that, they were just being friendly. And perhaps my older self was lying, trying to get me to act on my feelings because she didn't have the time to. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself and should have expected it. Chakotay was never going to wait for me, for us to get home, I should have known that. Well its up to them what they do, I'll just have to be happy for them, no matter what I feel or think about it. 


End file.
